sunmoonandspoon (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sunmoonandspoon) wrote2007-03-22 02:03 pm
sunmoonandspoon) wrote2007-03-22 02:03 pm
Entry tags:
Kids, Ch. 7
There comes a time in every lengthy L-fic where the author must make up some things about his background. I have my own ideas about how it went down, and since there is thus far nothing canonical to work with, my own ideas are all I've got. This chapter deals with a rather depressing aspect of L's past. Which is funny, because it all came to me while walking in the sunshine listening to songs about the water cycle and competitions for who has the fanciest pants.
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Kids
Chapter Seven - Chocolate Bar
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It's morning and the bright sun pounds her skull in, Sachiko wakes up sick. It's inconvenient but inconsequential; though she'd meant to clean house she can put it off, rest a while. Or anyway, she thinks so until the house starts to vibrate, her daughter's got friends over and they've got Miyavi blasting loud. Already she knows it'll be pointless to stop her, Sayu will stay quiet for maybe five minutes before they start yelling again, before the music creeps back to deafening volumes. And so she clamps a pillow to her head, tries to slip off into sleep again, but she fails, Sayu and her friends are far too loud, so you know what? Screw this. She'll go someplace else.
She gets out of bed, steadies herself against the dizziness she knew would come. Her head hurts worse now that she's standing, the idea of walking further makes her want to puke. She sits down again, missing the bed and hitting the floor, now her ass hurts. Great. She's in pain and she has no idea where she's even planning to go.
An idea comes to her in seconds; it's been waiting in her brain since she woke. She'll go to Ryuzaki's place, it's quiet there and they can ignore each other, she'll sleep and he'll work and he won't mind, right? He's asked her there before.
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When she hops on the bus she realizes she should call first, get permission for invasion but she hasn't got her cell phone. She convinces herself that he won't mind, that it won't matter if she stops by uninvited. And so she keeps going, nods off midway through the ride and wakes up coughing. Her stop is nearly here.
It comes and she plods off the bus, waving idly at the driver as she goes.
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It's been a productive morning; L's got nothing else to do until the meeting. He's keyed up, excited, they might actually be getting somewhere with the case today. Light and Matsuda are checking out Aoyama, Shibuya, anyplace mentioned in the poorly written diary. He's not sure if this'll get them anywhere, if he's read the second Kira's intentions correctly but anyway, there's a good chance. 75% or so. He's pleased.
A good mood is worth celebrating, so he digs through his stash, picks out a bar of chocolate and starts eating. It's an interesting brand name, one he only bought because it amused him--Crunky. It tastes decent, but he's so used to fancy chocolate now that it doesn't quite do it for him. Oh well, sugar's sugar.
He sinks his teeth into the bar and then the bell rings, he jumps out of his seat because no one's supposed to know where he is, the taskforce wouldn't be so casual about it and god good god it could be someone here to kill him. Whether this is paranoia or rationality is beyond him right now, but the bell's still ringing. He has to at least see who's there.
It's Sachiko. What the hell.
"What are you doing here?" he hisses, heart pounding. He doesn't say she scared him, won't admit to weak emotions. But he's angry now, hands curling into fists and he can't bring himself to let her in.
"I'm sorry," she says from the hall, "I should have called, I suppose…my daughter has some friends over, and they're shrieking at the top of their lungs. I'm not really feeling well, so I was hoping I could rest here for a bit…I'm sorry if I'm intruding, this probably wasn't a good idea." And she's about to leave, she feels ridiculous.
L opens to door. "Come in," he says, waving his arm towards the couch. "It doesn't matter, I don't have any work right now so it's fine. Are you okay?"
She nods, weaves towards the couch and flops over, coughs a bit. "I'm fine," she says, "It's basically nothing, I really…I just need a nap. I can't get it at home, because of friends…Sayu's…friends…thank you, Ryuzaki…" And her eyelids fuse, she shuts down and slips into sleep. And L's amazed, he's never seen anyone fall asleep so quickly, even sick. When he's unwell sleep just doesn't happen, he once spent two weeks wide awake with the flu. Sachiko's body functions normally, and he envies her.
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Hours pass and she does not wake, she seems scarcely to be breathing. And for a while he doesn't concern himself. She's still and she's sick and he knows she's not dying, logic is law but he can't shake the thought. That she's dying. Because she looks so much like his mother did before she died.
And so, he's being ridiculous. He knows it. But all the same he can't stop watching her, can't stop twitching and jumping every time she coughs in sleep. She doesn't resemble his mother, really, he can hardly remember what she looked like and her eyes were different, bigger. More like his. It's just that before she died she was so still. But she talked to him. And Sachiko's not talking.
Maybe she's already dead.
L breaks the law of logic at the thought of this.
"Get up!" he demands, grabbing her shoulder, wrenching her awake. "Get up, please, don't be…don't be…" And she wakes up, blinks at him, clearly confused.
"Don't be what?" she asks, and he's regretting this instantly, he should have let her keep sleeping, left her alone because she's fine, he's an idiot and now he has to talk to her. Explain himself.
"Nothing," he says, gnawing his thumb raw and skinless. "I'm sorry I was just…it's nothing."
It's not nothing and she's not going to take that, she means to wring a motive out of him. "I have work to do," he lies, standing up to avoid he and she grabs his wrist, keeps him rooted.
"Don't be what?" she repeats, and he breaks down.
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He doesn't cry. His throat constricts and his eyes well up, his body shakes but he doesn't cry. It's been twenty years and yes it matters, but he will not cry in front of Sachiko. In front of anyone. At all. But he's shaken and she sees it and to him this is a break down, damn it now he has to talk. "What's wrong?" she asks as he struggles for composure. "Are you alright?"
"Y-yeah…" he gasps, wiping his face with his fist. "I'm sorry, I'm being ridiculous. I thought…I thought you were dead, for a moment. It was totally irrational, obviously you weren't you just…you looked like my mother. Before she died. I haven't thought about any of that in years so it…got to me. I'm sorry."
In a flash he's in her arms, the mother in her pulled like a magnet towards the pain. She will make this better. He knows she intends this, knows that she can't. Because the truth remains, his mom died. "It's okay," she mutters, face pressed against his shoulder. "It's okay."
"No, it's not, you should…go back to sleep. This happened twenty years ago, it doesn't…it doesn't matter now." He regrets this immediately; the kind look in her eyes is replaced with flames and she snaps, says of course it fucking matters.
"If I die, and twenty years down the line my kids don't miss me, I will go down in history as the world's most violent poltergeist. Twenty days, twenty years, who cares? She's your mother. Now tell me about it." That done she sits down, coughs a bit and goes quiet. Waits for him to talk.
"She was sick with something, I'm not sure what but it was probably cancer. I was young at the time and no one told me. I was five when she died, but I can't remember her ever being healthy…" That's a lie, there was one bright morning when she picked him up and spun through the house laughing, tossed him in the air and on the couch and said she loved him. She couldn't have been sick if she did that, at least, she couldn't have been dying. Not yet. He was two then, maybe three. He twists his shirt in his hands.
"That must have been awful for you," Sachiko says, looking down and kicking her feet out. "I can't even imagine, my mother was never sick a day in her life…well, go on."
"There's not much else to say," he mutters, nearly choking as he tries to hold the tears back. "She was very sick, she was in terrible pain and she couldn't do anything, so she…died. She was trying to sleep, I was in bed with her, I always was so whatever it was must not have been contagious. She couldn't sleep. She knew she was going to die. She said that she loved me…more than anyone. More than my father. She said a lot of things, I can't remember the majority…and then she said she was going to sleep. I watched my mother die…"
And then he can't help it anymore, he lets himself go, lets the tears come flying out, unchecked. "E-everyone, everyone t-told me she…went to sleep. A-and then my father killed himself. I didn't see that, b-but they all said…he went to sleep too."
"That's why you're an insomniac," Sachiko says, nodding like this is obvious, simple and clean. He'd been one before, it isn't just that, he doesn't fear death when he's drifting off. Not consciously, anyway. "Listen," she continues, "what you've been through is horrendous. You have done spectacularly for someone who lost both their parents. I could never have made it through that. My parents are old and they'll probably die soon, I don't think I'll be able to take it then, old as I am. You were a baby. My husband speaks of you with immense respect, and after hearing this I think I respect you more than he does." And then she smiles. Like she's happy. Like anything in the world could possibly be happy after that.
L can't say anything, can't quit crying long enough to talk. In his head is Mom closing her eyes, the anonymous men come to tell him he was not enough for Dad to live for. He's not thought of this in years and now it's killing him. Again he's wrapped in Sachi's arms, and he won't say a word but he needs this. It doesn't matter that she should be sleeping, that he'll catch what she's got, he fucking needs this.
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That was a big step forward, huh? It's making me tear up a bit, so I hope it had at least some effect on you guys. Hope it wasn't too corny, either. Anyway I'll try and have the next chapter out as soon as I can, so please shoot me a comment to encourage me! Love you guys!
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Kids
Chapter Seven - Chocolate Bar
----------
It's morning and the bright sun pounds her skull in, Sachiko wakes up sick. It's inconvenient but inconsequential; though she'd meant to clean house she can put it off, rest a while. Or anyway, she thinks so until the house starts to vibrate, her daughter's got friends over and they've got Miyavi blasting loud. Already she knows it'll be pointless to stop her, Sayu will stay quiet for maybe five minutes before they start yelling again, before the music creeps back to deafening volumes. And so she clamps a pillow to her head, tries to slip off into sleep again, but she fails, Sayu and her friends are far too loud, so you know what? Screw this. She'll go someplace else.
She gets out of bed, steadies herself against the dizziness she knew would come. Her head hurts worse now that she's standing, the idea of walking further makes her want to puke. She sits down again, missing the bed and hitting the floor, now her ass hurts. Great. She's in pain and she has no idea where she's even planning to go.
An idea comes to her in seconds; it's been waiting in her brain since she woke. She'll go to Ryuzaki's place, it's quiet there and they can ignore each other, she'll sleep and he'll work and he won't mind, right? He's asked her there before.
----------
When she hops on the bus she realizes she should call first, get permission for invasion but she hasn't got her cell phone. She convinces herself that he won't mind, that it won't matter if she stops by uninvited. And so she keeps going, nods off midway through the ride and wakes up coughing. Her stop is nearly here.
It comes and she plods off the bus, waving idly at the driver as she goes.
----------
It's been a productive morning; L's got nothing else to do until the meeting. He's keyed up, excited, they might actually be getting somewhere with the case today. Light and Matsuda are checking out Aoyama, Shibuya, anyplace mentioned in the poorly written diary. He's not sure if this'll get them anywhere, if he's read the second Kira's intentions correctly but anyway, there's a good chance. 75% or so. He's pleased.
A good mood is worth celebrating, so he digs through his stash, picks out a bar of chocolate and starts eating. It's an interesting brand name, one he only bought because it amused him--Crunky. It tastes decent, but he's so used to fancy chocolate now that it doesn't quite do it for him. Oh well, sugar's sugar.
He sinks his teeth into the bar and then the bell rings, he jumps out of his seat because no one's supposed to know where he is, the taskforce wouldn't be so casual about it and god good god it could be someone here to kill him. Whether this is paranoia or rationality is beyond him right now, but the bell's still ringing. He has to at least see who's there.
It's Sachiko. What the hell.
"What are you doing here?" he hisses, heart pounding. He doesn't say she scared him, won't admit to weak emotions. But he's angry now, hands curling into fists and he can't bring himself to let her in.
"I'm sorry," she says from the hall, "I should have called, I suppose…my daughter has some friends over, and they're shrieking at the top of their lungs. I'm not really feeling well, so I was hoping I could rest here for a bit…I'm sorry if I'm intruding, this probably wasn't a good idea." And she's about to leave, she feels ridiculous.
L opens to door. "Come in," he says, waving his arm towards the couch. "It doesn't matter, I don't have any work right now so it's fine. Are you okay?"
She nods, weaves towards the couch and flops over, coughs a bit. "I'm fine," she says, "It's basically nothing, I really…I just need a nap. I can't get it at home, because of friends…Sayu's…friends…thank you, Ryuzaki…" And her eyelids fuse, she shuts down and slips into sleep. And L's amazed, he's never seen anyone fall asleep so quickly, even sick. When he's unwell sleep just doesn't happen, he once spent two weeks wide awake with the flu. Sachiko's body functions normally, and he envies her.
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Hours pass and she does not wake, she seems scarcely to be breathing. And for a while he doesn't concern himself. She's still and she's sick and he knows she's not dying, logic is law but he can't shake the thought. That she's dying. Because she looks so much like his mother did before she died.
And so, he's being ridiculous. He knows it. But all the same he can't stop watching her, can't stop twitching and jumping every time she coughs in sleep. She doesn't resemble his mother, really, he can hardly remember what she looked like and her eyes were different, bigger. More like his. It's just that before she died she was so still. But she talked to him. And Sachiko's not talking.
Maybe she's already dead.
L breaks the law of logic at the thought of this.
"Get up!" he demands, grabbing her shoulder, wrenching her awake. "Get up, please, don't be…don't be…" And she wakes up, blinks at him, clearly confused.
"Don't be what?" she asks, and he's regretting this instantly, he should have let her keep sleeping, left her alone because she's fine, he's an idiot and now he has to talk to her. Explain himself.
"Nothing," he says, gnawing his thumb raw and skinless. "I'm sorry I was just…it's nothing."
It's not nothing and she's not going to take that, she means to wring a motive out of him. "I have work to do," he lies, standing up to avoid he and she grabs his wrist, keeps him rooted.
"Don't be what?" she repeats, and he breaks down.
----------
He doesn't cry. His throat constricts and his eyes well up, his body shakes but he doesn't cry. It's been twenty years and yes it matters, but he will not cry in front of Sachiko. In front of anyone. At all. But he's shaken and she sees it and to him this is a break down, damn it now he has to talk. "What's wrong?" she asks as he struggles for composure. "Are you alright?"
"Y-yeah…" he gasps, wiping his face with his fist. "I'm sorry, I'm being ridiculous. I thought…I thought you were dead, for a moment. It was totally irrational, obviously you weren't you just…you looked like my mother. Before she died. I haven't thought about any of that in years so it…got to me. I'm sorry."
In a flash he's in her arms, the mother in her pulled like a magnet towards the pain. She will make this better. He knows she intends this, knows that she can't. Because the truth remains, his mom died. "It's okay," she mutters, face pressed against his shoulder. "It's okay."
"No, it's not, you should…go back to sleep. This happened twenty years ago, it doesn't…it doesn't matter now." He regrets this immediately; the kind look in her eyes is replaced with flames and she snaps, says of course it fucking matters.
"If I die, and twenty years down the line my kids don't miss me, I will go down in history as the world's most violent poltergeist. Twenty days, twenty years, who cares? She's your mother. Now tell me about it." That done she sits down, coughs a bit and goes quiet. Waits for him to talk.
"She was sick with something, I'm not sure what but it was probably cancer. I was young at the time and no one told me. I was five when she died, but I can't remember her ever being healthy…" That's a lie, there was one bright morning when she picked him up and spun through the house laughing, tossed him in the air and on the couch and said she loved him. She couldn't have been sick if she did that, at least, she couldn't have been dying. Not yet. He was two then, maybe three. He twists his shirt in his hands.
"That must have been awful for you," Sachiko says, looking down and kicking her feet out. "I can't even imagine, my mother was never sick a day in her life…well, go on."
"There's not much else to say," he mutters, nearly choking as he tries to hold the tears back. "She was very sick, she was in terrible pain and she couldn't do anything, so she…died. She was trying to sleep, I was in bed with her, I always was so whatever it was must not have been contagious. She couldn't sleep. She knew she was going to die. She said that she loved me…more than anyone. More than my father. She said a lot of things, I can't remember the majority…and then she said she was going to sleep. I watched my mother die…"
And then he can't help it anymore, he lets himself go, lets the tears come flying out, unchecked. "E-everyone, everyone t-told me she…went to sleep. A-and then my father killed himself. I didn't see that, b-but they all said…he went to sleep too."
"That's why you're an insomniac," Sachiko says, nodding like this is obvious, simple and clean. He'd been one before, it isn't just that, he doesn't fear death when he's drifting off. Not consciously, anyway. "Listen," she continues, "what you've been through is horrendous. You have done spectacularly for someone who lost both their parents. I could never have made it through that. My parents are old and they'll probably die soon, I don't think I'll be able to take it then, old as I am. You were a baby. My husband speaks of you with immense respect, and after hearing this I think I respect you more than he does." And then she smiles. Like she's happy. Like anything in the world could possibly be happy after that.
L can't say anything, can't quit crying long enough to talk. In his head is Mom closing her eyes, the anonymous men come to tell him he was not enough for Dad to live for. He's not thought of this in years and now it's killing him. Again he's wrapped in Sachi's arms, and he won't say a word but he needs this. It doesn't matter that she should be sleeping, that he'll catch what she's got, he fucking needs this.
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That was a big step forward, huh? It's making me tear up a bit, so I hope it had at least some effect on you guys. Hope it wasn't too corny, either. Anyway I'll try and have the next chapter out as soon as I can, so please shoot me a comment to encourage me! Love you guys!