Tiresias the Matsuda

[sunmoonandspoon]

Title: Tiresias the Matsuda
Authors: speaky_bean and reka
Characters: L, Light, Matsuda, Mikami, a pile of copulating snakes.
Pairings: Matsuda/Mikami, one-sided Matsuda/Light, Snake/Other Snake
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3,206
Notes: I hadn’t originally planned to write anything for this week's prompt at dn_contest (that being 'mythology'), but I ended up staying over at my friend reka’s house, and we decided to write something together. It is total crack, and it probably doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. It’s based on the myth of Tiresias, who transforms into a woman when he throws a rock at some snakes. When he turns back using the same method, Zeus and Hera want to know who has it better in bed, men or women. We chose Matsuda to play Tiresias, L to play Zeus, and Light to play Hera.
Warnings: If you somehow didn’t guess this already, this fic contains genderswitch. It’s also extremely cracky, and while we tried to keep everyone in character (we had a lengthy discussion about what Mikami would be doing in a bar in the first place that never quite made it into the fic) there is a good chance that this is at least somewhat OOC. Also, this story contains copious amounts of beatboxing. An idea that was in no way stolen from shinigami_ebola.



Matsuda hasn’t had a day off in well over six weeks, and today is no exception. However, unlike the previous six weeks, today, Matsuda has a lunch break. It isn’t a long lunch break, but it leaves him with time enough to stroll through the woods eating a sandwich. It isn’t a particularly nice day, due to yesterday’s storm, but he ventures forth bravely in the face of mud and debris. Good thing he keeps his stompin’ boots in the office closet he shares with Aizawa. He’ll just have to remember to clean the mud off before he puts them back, lest he invoke Aizawa’s mighty wrath. Okay, maybe it isn’t exactly mighty, but anyway, Matsuda is walking through the woods, whistling a jaunty tune. When he grows tired of this, he begins to beatbox. Midway through the most excellent performance he has ever achieved, he is interrupted by a small, mud-encrusted rock. Lying in his path. Staring at him. How dare it interrupt art!

There is no recourse but to kick it aside. Boot meets rock, and boot wins by a landslide. However, destiny is not kind to those who brutalize the stony fruits of the Earth. The rock does not stand demurely to the side and watch his brilliant beatbox performance. Instead it strikes a nearby reptile. Upon further inspection, he notices that it isn’t only one reptile, but two. Two snakes, engaged in the act of sexual congress. One of the snakes appears to have had their orgasm interrupted. “Oh!” Matsuda squeaks. “I’m so sorry! Uhh…shit. Sorry! I didn’t mean to kick that rock at you, I just meant to kick it at itself. It was…in my…uhh…” He trails off, realizing quickly that the snakes have no idea what he’s talking about, and don’t care. Also, that he’s a woman.

You would think that if a person transformed into a woman out of nowhere, they would retain the hair and clothes that they started out with. Not so with Matsuda. Along with breasts and female genitalia, Matsuda is now sporting a girl’s school uniform—sailor style. His significantly longer hair is now adorned with pink ribbons, and his lips are smeared with cherry-flavored gloss. His stompin’ boots are replaced with shiny black Mary Janes, and his holey socks with pristine white thigh-highs. And his Doraemon boxer shorts have been transformed into something very lacey, and very itchy. He seems to be wearing a bra.

He isn’t quite sure how to react to this. Numbly, he attempts to continue beatboxing, as if nothing had occurred. But his voice lacks the timbre it once possessed, and his glorious performance sounds high pitched and well, girly. This isn’t proper beatboxing! This is a travesty! Not to mention, well, there’s no way he can go back to work like this.

But he doesn’t have anywhere to go except work. Since starting the Kira case, his social life has become noticeably impoverished, and his friends aren’t really people he wants to trouble with this, anyway. The members of the task force have seen some strange things in their careers, so perhaps this won’t be so shocking. Perhaps they’ll be able to tell Matsuda that this is all in his head, and he’s still a man in a crumpled blue suit and stompin’ boots. And if it is real, then maybe someone brilliant, like L, or even Light, will be able to figure out why it’s happened. Besides, his lunch break is nearly over, and he’s not so sure that calling in female will work.

~`~`~

In spite of everything else that’s changed, Matsuda’s retinas have not been affected by some mysterious feminine force. And so, he passes the retinal scan, and is able to enter the building. He had wanted to find some more presentable clothing first, but his wallet seems to have disappeared along with his pants. Whoever did this stole 5,000 yen, and a cute waitress’ phone number. Great.

“Ryuzaki, I believe there’s been a security breach,” Light says, glancing worriedly at Matsuda as he enters the room. “Unless you happen to know this young lady.”

“I have never seen her before in my life,” Ryuzaki says, striding purposefully towards Matsuda and pressing his face close to his. “Are you by any chance related to Touta Matsuda? You resemble him strongly. You even smell like him, except with more cherries. Are you carrying cherries? You’re not planning on eating them all without sharing, are you?”

“I, uh, I don’t have any cherries, I, er, I,” Matsuda babbles, backing away. Matsuda’s newly acquired breasts are brushing up against Ryuzaki’s arm, and that cannot be good. That will definitely get him in some kind of trouble, if Matsuda knows anything about being employed, it’s that you do not brush your breasts against the arm of your superior! Not that he really knows anything about breast etiquette, but it really doesn’t seem proper! Ryuzaki doesn’t seem to mind at all, which makes Matsuda even more uncomfortable than he had been.

“You are Touta Matsuda, aren’t you?” Ryuzaki says, voice and face completely flat. “Why are you dressed like that? It is one thing to engage in deviant sexual activities on your own time—that is none of my concern. However, dressing in such a provocative and strange manner is unprofessional, and distracting to your coworkers. Do you really want to increase Kira’s opportunity for criminal behavior because you felt like coming to work in a sailor suit? Honestly Matsuda, this is disgraceful. Go change your clothes immediately.”

“Ryuzaki, it’s not just the clothes,” Light says, joining them at the front of the room. “I don’t know if you’ve seen enough women to be able to differentiate between genders, but this is a woman. If you can’t even figure that out, I don’t know how you can call yourself a detective.”

“He could easily be wearing a padded bra!” Ryuzaki insists, but he doesn’t say anything further. Light’s got him beat, and he knows it. Matsuda resists the urge to stick his tongue out at Ryuzaki, like a schoolgirl might.

“Guys, um, Ryuzaki’s right, I am Matsuda…but Light’s right too. This isn’t just an outfit. I sort of transformed into a woman during my lunch break. I…am not really sure how this happened. Do you think you can help me out here?”

“That’s impossible,” Light says, placing a hand on his hip in a manner not quite as girlish as anything Matsuda is capable of just now. “Maybe you are called Matsuda, but you aren’t Touta. You’re a sister, or a cousin, or something. People don’t just randomly switch genders for no reason. I’m not a fool, why would you expect me to believe something like that?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to insult you!” Matsuda squeaks, backing into the wall and staring nervously at the ceiling. “I’m telling the truth, I swear.”

“Perhaps this is the result of a hormonal imbalance,” Ryuzaki suggests, leaning towards Matsuda and chewing on his thumbnail. “I suppose such a thing might addle your brain enough to explain your choice in clothing. You should see a doctor, there are medications you can take to correct this. I would be more than willing to give you time off to attend to your predicament.”

“Uh, I don’t think that’s it,” says Matsuda, hoping that Ryuzaki won’t take offense to the disagreement. “This was really, really sudden. I just transformed, my clothes were replaced! I had stompin’ boots before, you know I would never willingly part with my stompin’ boots! I…” And suddenly, the champion-beatboxer-turned-cutesy-schoolgirl realized something. Snakes. This is their fault, this is their punishment for hitting them with that misbehaving rock! They transformed him into a girl, and they stole his wallet! He will never trust snakes again.

“That’s absolutely ridiculous,” Ryuzaki insists, grabbing Matsuda by the shoulders and steering him out the door. “Your brain has obviously been severely affected; you must seek medical attention immediately. Don’t come back until you’ve started treatment.”

Ryuzaki shuts the door on him, and Matsuda has no choice but to leave.

~`~`~

Matsuda has no intention of following Ryuzaki’s advice. He doesn’t need a doctor. He needs to find those damned snakes again. Despite the fact that they might very well leave the woods before he gets to them, Matsuda is in no hurry. While his new physiology is somewhat disconcerting (and even horrifying if he thinks too hard about it), he’s also enjoying the novelty. It’s not like he’s turned into an unattractive girl. Sure he looks a little ridiculous—far too old to be wearing a school uniform—but many men, Matsuda included, find such things to be erotic. He’s always wondered what it was like to be on the female side of romance. As a man, he is frequently turned down, and while he’s never been slapped for saying the wrong thing, he’s heard that women sometimes do that, and that it isn’t considered assault or anything, because they’re women. Matsuda would like to be able to slap someone with no consequences. Matsuda would like to be admired instead of ignored.

So he’ll stay a woman for a little while, seek out the snakes in due time. He heads for a nearby bar, which he used to frequent back when he had spare time. It’s unlikely that anyone will recognize him, so they probably won’t think anything of his suddenly being female. Oh, but he hopes they will think something of it. Matsuda isn’t going to be ignored, not on his (hopefully) only night out as a woman.

He surveys the crowded, dingy interior, searching in vain for someone interesting. Matsuda isn’t looking for a lesbian encounter—he already knows what it’s like to have sex with a girl—but it’s hard to find any men he’d actually like to get involved with. Though he makes an exception for Light, (who is completely unattainable anyway, and a golden idol he would not dare profane) Matsuda is, for the most part, straight. But he wants the full female experience, and he’s really not sure how he would go about lesbian sex anyway. He’s seen some pornography that dealt with the subject, but he gets the feeling that it might be a little different in reality, and he doesn’t want to risk looking stupid.

After a seemingly endless search, he spots a nervous, bespeckled young man who keeps standing up and then apparently thinking better of it, and sitting back at his table to stare at an untouched bottle of beer. In spite of his agitation, he’s quite good-looking, and he doesn’t seem like the bar type, he’s probably there to find a girl and leave. He’ll take anything. Matsuda doesn’t have to try too hard, which is good, since he doesn’t want to spend time practicing—he doesn’t want those snakes to get too far.

“Hi there,” Matsuda says, sitting down and angling himself so that his breasts are pressed against the tabletop in what he hopes is an alluring fashion. “You don’t look like you’re having much fun.”

“I don’t see how anybody could enjoy themselves in a place like this,” snaps Matsuda’s prospect. His face softens after a moment of thought and he says quietly, “my apologies if you are enjoying it. I’m sure there’s something good about going out and getting drunk and failing to engage in meaningful conversation with anyone, but I haven’t figured out what it is just yet.”

“I could help you figure it out,” Matsuda says with a sly grin. If anyone recognized him now, he’d be mortified. If he were himself, he’d never consider what he’s about to do. But he isn’t himself and no one knows who he was, so he wraps his arms around this man and sinks his tongue into his mouth. He expects to be pushed away, reprimanded, but that doesn’t happen. The man reciprocates. He pulls away, and suggests that they find someplace with a little more privacy.

~`~`~

Triumphant, Matsuda strides towards the forest, whistling an even jauntier tune than before. His balance is a little off from the odd distribution of his weight, but he more than got used to that at the bar. It left him dizzy and buzzing with joy, but now it’s time to set things right. Being a woman might have incredible benefits, but Matsuda simply isn’t one, and he isn’t going to let any snakes change that!

Fortunately for Matsuda, the snakes are insatiable sex maniacs, and they’re still going at it underneath a nearby tree. He stomps over to them, less effectively than he would have if he still had his stompin’ boots, and picks up that smart-mouthed rock and smashes the motherfucking snakes so hard that if there were a plane nearby, they would have been launched onto it. And just as quickly as he’d changed from man woman, he now transforms from woman to man. Half his hair falls out along with the pink ribbons, and his slutty school uniform disappears, leaving a drab blue suit in its place. His wallet is weighing down the pants pockets still. Mary Janes replace themselves with stompin’ boots, and his chest no longer feels quite so heavy. His underwear doesn’t feel quite so empty anymore, either.

And so he walks like a man back to work.

~`~`~

As he approaches his workspace, he can hear what sounds like a couple of bickering children. He doesn’t quite hear what they’re talking about, but he hopes it doesn’t turn into a fight. Light and Ryuzaki have had physical battles before, and they can be almost as disruptive to the team as one of their members turning into a woman for a few hours. “Hey guys!” he says, waving cheerily and hoping that his peppy tone will infect them. “How’s it going?”

“Oh!” Ryuzaki scuttles over to him and stares unblinkingly. “Good to see that you’ve fixed your little problem. Anyway, maybe you can clear this up for us. Light and I are having a bit of an argument. He seems to be ignoring basic scientific facts, which is quite troublesome considering the fact that he’s meant to be an intelligent person. I’m not so sure if a person who can’t use logic should be helping with this investigation.”

“I think personal experience has a little more sway here then something you read in a book, Ryuzaki!” Light yells, obviously angered by Ryuzaki’s comments. Matsuda isn’t sure what they’re talking about, or how he’s meant to help, so he asks as politely as possible for an explanation. “Nothing,” Light sighs. “It’s ridiculous. But wait a minute, you…you might actually be able to help. I don’t suppose that you…I mean I don’t even really believe that you were a woman, it’s got to have been some elaborate trick, but if you were, then maybe you know. Matsuda, are you sexually experienced in any way?”

“That’s a very personal question!” Matsuda yelps, despite wanting very much to answer anything Light asks him. It wouldn’t do to respond right away, the last thing he wants is for flawless Light to think that he’s a slut. A moment later, he tells Light in a quiet voice that yes, he does have some experience.

“Okay. I don’t suppose you had any while you were…female?” Light seems embarrassed by the subject, but Ryuzaki’s expression hasn’t changed at all, save for a slight widening of his eyes. “Forgive me, I know this is none of my business. Ryuzaki and I were arguing over whether males or females experience greater sexual pleasure. He’s rather insistent that it’s the males who do, but my personal experience says otherwise, as do several scientific facts that Ryuzaki is ignoring for the sake of his point.”

“The first time is painful for women, Light!” Ryuzaki insists, perching on a nearby chair. “It’s also more difficult to achieve orgasm. If you can’t orgasm at all, the potential for your gender to do so multiple times is a moot point. And it takes them much too long to be ready for it—you’d think that by the time they were, they’d be bored and want to do something else.”

“Those problems do not apply to every woman, and we’re talking about potential here. I don’t want to elaborate on what I’ve experienced, because I don’t want either of you thinking about Misa in this way, but just please, believe me when I say that women are capable of sexual rapture that just isn’t possible for most men.” Light says this with his face half buried in his left hand, as if totally exasperated. “Matsuda. If you have had sex while you were both female and male, could you shed some light on the subject so that we can get back to the Kira case? Honestly Ryuzaki, I don’t understand why you’re wasting time on this argument.”

“You aren’t any more willing to give it up than I am,” mutters Ryuzaki, voice distorted by the thumbnail jammed into his mouth. Matsuda laughs nervously, hopes he won’t make anybody angry with his honest declaration.

“Well Ryuzaki, I know you’ve probably researched this pretty extensively, but Light’s right. I sort of picked up this law student guy…maybe he was a med student, I don’t really remember what he said about himself but anyway, it did hurt a little, but it was basically the best sex I’ve ever had. I’d never noticed that before, so I guess I haven’t been doing a very good job with the ladies!” Matsuda waits for a response, grinning plastically.

“I told you so,” Light says with a smirk. Apparently, he doesn’t see fit to stick around after that, because he leaves the room quickly, paving his way with excuses about getting back to work. Ryuzaki stares at Matsuda with the same expression he’s been giving him since they first met. He can’t tell if Ryuzaki is upset by his defeat or not, but when the detective’s bare foot strikes Matsuda’s collarbone, he knows. Ryuzaki walks away as abruptly as Light had, after that.

~`~`~

When Matsuda attempts to purchase a pair of snakes at the local pet store, he feels the need to explain himself at great length. It’s not that anyone would assume that he wants the snakes so he can throw rocks at them and change genders at will, but he feels the need to make sure that they don’t somehow arrive at that conclusion. He says that they’re for his (nonexistent) little brother, who is studying snakes in school and is just fascinated by them, isn’t Matsuda a good big brother for buying the child snakes? The saleslady nods along disinterestedly, and by the time he arrives at the cash register with his snakes, he feels like a bit of an ass.

It’s made worse when he reaches for his wallet and finds that the 50,000 yen he’d had before has disappeared. After restraining himself from shouting about how the damn snakes stole his money, Matsuda decides that perhaps he shouldn’t be messing with this sort of thing anymore, anyway. He leaves the pet store empty handed, which makes it far easier to spend his trip home beatboxing.